She / Ella *

She was just trying to be the same little, strong & high self-steem girl, that so many people still kept in their memories. But she didn't know how to come back to that, that image for her was just a bleary memory, and a goal that was moving away more and more each time she though she was being closer.
She didn't have problems, just drawbacks. She felt pain, suffered in silence, and though she didn't want, over and over again her feelings only could be described as a face full of faked smiles, but a soul drowned in crying, the same tears that she swallowed to not show them.

She had an erroneous idea of what strenght means, she thought that crying was an antonym of being strong, to the point of  "self-anesthetize", without admitting, but knowing it,  that she was getting weaker, one by one from the tears that she repressed and accumulated.
She was the picture of a joyful girl. In her life & in her world, the beams that held her were already collapsed, and as a building, she was falling apart at the time went by.She tried to hold to herself, on herself, enduring things  that her delicate soul, saved in a strong body, couldn't stand.
She watched people coming in and out her life, some of them leaving footprints, some of them leaving scars; this happened so many times that she got used to it, to be alone, to be wound, to the pain without suffering, and the suffering without pain at the time.
She made bad decisions, found support on blood and fire. Enjoyed of much,  being kicked as trash and being treated as a Queen; she knew both sides of the social status.

She didn't lived that much, but she delighted the few, from the involuntary tears, 'til the last sweatdrop, the sad & the happy times.
She, that poor foolish, unwise and reckless girl, despite everything, she kept dreaming, kept pretending, lying to herself, weakening, and even eager to live, to know if she'd survive her own world; She was eager to live just to know if someday someone would again come into her life, to become in her beam, and how long would it last.

She, she wanted to know what happiness meant, and if she someday would be part of it, if someday she would be REALLY strong, if she would stop having those stupid and ridiculous thoughts. She wanted to depend just on herself, to do things right, to be able to show a truly smile, reflecting She said goodbye to her complexes. Besides, She also cries, screams, laugh, because her feelings are pure, because she loves herself, y She shows it with every single ACTUALLY SMILE that is in her face. 

And Once again,
She, is me.

Introducing Me

I'm a girl

I'm brunette
My hair is VERY curly

Not that fat
Not that thin

Long legs
Delicate hands

I'm a girl that gives  EVERYTHING of herself, just to see everyone i care about happy.
I'm my best friend, my own enemy, my angel, my demon, my prize, my hazard.
I am the voice that, when I'm depressed, I criticize myself, and feel thousands of people judging me.
BUT EVERYTHING IS INSIDE MY MIND
I can sing
I can write
I Love Art - Music - Friends - Good Photos
& I love Myself the 70% of the time, when I don't let my weaknesses dominate me.
I'm joyful, most of time.
And I shake me out when I'm sad or  upset

So I try to focus on me.
Tell myself that I'm worth it.

No one can make you feel inferior if you do not let it.

That NO ONE can hurt me if I don't let them.
That my dreams will come true, just when that I believe in myself, that I feel comfortable in my skin.
When I love myself, I feel that my dream is already coming true. And now I try to make it my motor, my driving. 
{ & It Is Working }

I'm not that proud or adhered to this entry, don't know if it's because I don't like to describe myself, or because what I have written is not so good.
  But I created this blog for pure catharsis, and if any reader is identified, they should know that is not the only one uncomfortable even in his own skin.